In this section of the post, I will attempt to breakdown evidence and/or psychological assessment of the information or situations posted above. I will attempt to look at the situations from a pro-believer standpoint as well as from an alternative or scientific perspective.
(1) it seriously threatens the health or survival of the individual;
(2) it renders the individual powerless in the face of overwhelming fear or arousal;
(3) it overwhelms the individual's coping capacity; and
(4) it violates basic assumptions about the environment's (human or physical) benevolence and safety (adapted from Eisen & Goodman, 1998).
Of the memories listed above, the following observations can be made:
Pro-Believer Traits & Evidence:
- occurrences of sexual abuse, including self-perpetrated abuse. After speaking with several therapists who specialize in child sexual abuse treatment, it is evident that my "knowledge" of masturbation at such a young age combined with the feelings of shame & secrecy were no mere accident of "self discovery." The behavior combined with the internalized feelings strongly indicate that such behavior was taught to me, even if I do not recall the initial offending events.
- possible child pornography
- bathtub incident with my brother, only to be 'saved' by my mother
- emotional abuse and neglect by my mother
- introduction to violent physical abuse via Mary's father
- repeated "spinning" at Mary's, combined with the memory of the neon pink concentric circles. This has a basis in MK Ultra programming.
- my unexplained fear of the "babysitter" and perpetually running away from her.
- events that occurred in the white trailer behind my school as potential "candidate selection" and "initial programming"
There can be no doubt that the sexual abuse had a profound effect on me as a child. While it is certain that there were likely other incidents of abuse that are either repressed, blocked, or simply forgotten within my memory, it is certain that they must have occurred. Outside of the abuse, some of the memories may possibly be explained as simply coincidental or typical for the time and culture. Domestic violence is certainly nothing new or even conspiratorial. As for the "abuse" at the school, well...who hasn't heard of the good 'ole days when Catholic nuns ruled with an iron ruler? I can clearly remember stories of my older sister getting swatted on the hand in a PUBLIC school for using her pencil "with the wrong hand" because she was naturally left-handed! Of course, this would have been the same school that housed the little white trailers behind the school!